OLD NIGHTMARES!

This morning, I thought of my former employer, a wealthy guy with a great sense of humor and an ugly fury temper. I thought of how I'd been to that interview, enamored by the idea of working in a start up, and watched this guy gloat about his time in America, his IIM degree and his wildlife photography skills. I was 22, fresh out of college, recovering from the loss of a dear friend and my dad.

"Oh there's lot of flexibility here." He said 

"You don't have to worry about a thing" 

Exactly a year after he said those words, he stopped paying my salary and told me I'd be a fool if I thought of reporting him. 

"What can you do?" " I have friends in the police"

For years that question haunted me, whenever I found myself depleted and exhausted by workspace politics. 

Is there really nothing I can do?

Power is a strange, deceptive thing. Even today when I think of his bready black eyes and the way they glistened whenever I asked him for salary. I shrink a little, I feel small and insignificant. A speck of dust in this wild expansive universe.

This is not to say that I didn't stand up for myself then. But my solution was quitting the job and finding myself a better place to work. It's been a few years in multiple corporates and I've turned so vigilant that I begin to feel suffocated with any slight disturbance at work.

The body language of power became imprinted in my memory - the flip of the head, the wry smile, the off handed comments. I could tell from miles away when the strom was brewing. 

When I tell people this story I'm amused.

My guy friends tell me of the brave things they'd have done if they were in my place . My girlfriends listen in horror and tell me they're glad that I made it out okay.

What no one understands is my powerlessness then was not a choice, nor a state of mind. Power requires protection and I didn't have any, having lost the two people in my life who protected me the most. 

I was stuck, suspended in mid air stripped off of every life saving option and forced to rely on myself to survive the landing.Yes, I moved on, but I walked away broken and broke.

A few days back, I found the courage to look it up. I found that they changed their logo and rebranded. But that face remains etched in my memory forever.

July for me every year is a very traumatic month, but I've learned to tame my inner demons and I'm glad that I got over it and have worked in happier places with the best of managers.

But oh man, these old nightmares!

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Priyanka!