A Note of Apology!

Ever had that feeling where you are stuck in a crowded room screaming your lungs out and noone looks up? Ever felt lonely even when you are surrounded by people who call themselves friends? Ever felt the need to sit back and think of how the past few years of life have been? Well, I felt all of this... 

Me: A totally spoilt brat who has to have things her way, by hook or by crook. An angry thing who has an opinion about every possible thing but fails to acknowledge the fact that others do too. Short on patience and stubborn enough to let go of people due to that. A hypocrite when it comes to love. An expert of masks and armour when it comes to facing the world. Too sharp, too blunt, too bold for all the wrong things. I know all of these things and this is not a thing I regret or loathe. I somehow manage to make this work and survive.

But today I realised that I can be wrong too. So wrong that I'm feeling this excruciating guilt inside of me. Life's moving on smoothly but I'm losing hold of a few things. People, friends. Work's been so hectic that I've been neglecting a lot of people around me. I've only been concentrating on myself and the immediate things and people who help me get past each day. I've grown selfish over these years and all that mattered was my life, my way and my sanity. But I was wrong. So wrong. I knew I was doing a lot of wrong things all this while, but never thought about it much because it gave me temporary happiness. But the guilt now has accumulated and is coming out at the wrong time and in the wrong way. I'm sitting at home trying to complete my work and its all getting messed up. I can't seem to concentrate at all. I owe an apology to a lot of people and myself.

To my mom: I'm sorry Mom I'm just not able to spend time with you. I don't remember the last time we sat together and spoke. Even if I manage to squeeze out sometime in between, I prefer to go out and spend it with my friends. That's bad.

To my galate gang: Today you guys had me crying. We've fought a million times before this but it never mattered much like it did today. You guys have been the major object of my neglecting I know and I feel awful about it. You have been around whenever I needed you and stood by me throughout my ups and downs for over 10 years now. I know I come to you only when I'm down and when I need to whine. I'm the talker amongst us I know, but it doesn't mean that I take this bad advantage of it. You have no idea how pathetic I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry for all this. You four have been the most stable part of my life . I accept that I've been wrong..You all have always thought of me as this strong and rough woman and it wouldn't have been nice for you to hear me breakdown. I'm extremely sorry for the past few months of my whiny behaviour. 

To my health: I'm so freaking sorry. I've been putting my body through hell. yeah I quit drinking...I have absolutely no time for myself though. The stress is driving me the wrong way. 

To myself: I don't know why is it so hard for me to accept simple things. I see what is happening around me but I set out with an attitude that nothing affects me. Its easy to show it out to the world. Honestly there are times when I go to sleep hoping that I don't wake up to see the next day. Stupid of me I know but that's the truth. I think too much and it annoys the hell out of me. They say that the truth sets you free. It sure does, but it first successfully manages to piss you off. My life was so organised and clean before. So was I. Seriously I'm someone else now. Someone whom I don't like anymore. I've had it with the adventures, I don't mind being boring for sometime. I'm making a promise to myself to sort out things as soon as I can. I'm very happy to go with the flow of life and live for the moment but its not worth it if I'm hurting people in the bargain. I'm selfish yes, but not to this extent. I'm going to make it work. Come what may.

P.S: I know you guys are thinking that I'm one hell of a confused soul. Yeah you're right! But this is the most honest post I've written in a long long time.

P.S2: Stranger, you win I lose. You got me to accept that I can lose too. Not bad huh! No apology to you, just a sincere thanks!!!

Cheers

Priyanka!